REAWAKENING

I am reawakening this Blog - why? because I just attended the most amazing writing working with an inspired writer Melinda Ferguson (https://twitter.com/melindaSMACKED?ref_src=twsrc%5Egoogle%7Ctwcamp%5Eserp%7Ctwgr%5Eauthor) and I realised that I need to write and write and inspire myself and write.  When I went on my sacred adventure in 2012, writing this blog was one of the highlights of my journey. 

It's 2017 and my vision for this year is CONNECTION and what a beautiful way is for me to Reawaken this blog: Nidhi's Sacred Adventure, my sacred adventure.  So here I am again and I am so happy to be here again.  This is a reawakening for me on very many levels - besides the blog, I am reconnecting with ME - it may sound contrived and self-indulgent, but as I unfold and allow my truth out, I know that there will be a better understanding as to how important it is for me - and you - to really connect with me (or you) - ourselves. 

There is much happening in our broken and damaged world and the levels of trauma, abuse, unkindness, and evil control is on a mammoth level.  The only place for us to go - or should I say - for me to go is in and reconnect with myself in a very deep, honest and authentic way.  
When your favourite cup smashes in 100's of pieces, even with an expert porcelain repairer, there will be hairline cracks that never go away. These are the scars that remain with us as we walk through our life, reminders of where we have been, and a beautiful inspiration to know what each of these hairline scars contributes to our learning.  

I am at a crossroads within myself at the moment in time. And this is the opportunity for me to get so incredibly real - honest - raw and primal - so that I step out of the shame and expose the authentic me.  This is the time and this is the decision and choice that I am making.  And I am so f....k..g scared, terrified, vulnerable.  And this is my medium of the honesty and realness, just as I shared my sacred journey in 2012, my adventure continues.

This morning I read this:

Be Still in Haste - Wendell Berry

How quietly I begin again
From this moment
   looking at the clock,
I start over

So much time has passed
and is equated by whatever
Split second is present

From this
Moment this Moment
 is the first 

At the age of 18, I met a man - he is my daughter's father - we were together for 6 years, 4 of which we were married. The levels of abuse and violation that I received from this man were horrific - and I have not spoken about it for more than 37 years - trapped in a place of victimhood, I have managed, survived, rebuilt, grown and become the exceptional woman I am now - but deep within my being is a broken soul that needs to step out from behind the shame, humiliation, resentment, anger, rage, manipulation, dishonesty, deceit and many other emotions and feelings that I have used to abuse and punish myself.  Well, today - in this moment - I begin again.

At the time of my birth, I entered the world into a loveless, manipulative, violent, dishonest, shame-filled family, linked with generations of abuse and shame - into a time of where women silently fulfilled their roles, dissatisfied with their lives but staying in the place of where their mothers were.  


Nidhi's adventure that continues at this moment is one of the healing and reconciliation I am having with myself.  And how glad I am to have a place to hold myself accountable and have the opportunity to heal what is broken in me.

Hello Again .....

I know its nearly autumn and this is very much an image that feels like spring, which is about rebirth and new beginnings, fruitfulness and coming out of the darkness.  And this is my 'spring' so to speak - a blossoming of a very long and intense journey of studying towards a BAppSocSci degree, moving to live in Cape Town, and the beginning of a flowering for me.  Here I am, as my adventure continues, in a very different place to where I was when I returned from my sacred journey in 2012, deciding to study psychology and come and live in Cape Town.  Its quite interesting as I look back over the past 3 years and touch base with myself.  Studying has been so intense for me as I have been completely enmeshed within this journey and find myself now, as I am finishing off with this chapter, tying  together the last threads of this web, asking myself, where have you been beloved Nidhi?  And what now?  What is unfolding and blossoming for me and how am I going to walk this journey congruent with the growth and transformation that I have undertaken?

Recently a friend, who I have known since we were 2 1/2, and who lives in Australia now, came to visit and we spent an afternoon and a morning together. What happened with this meeting, this re-connection and re-acquaintance, is I saw myself through the eyes of someone that knows me, loves me, accepts me and acknowledges me opening my heart in a way that has not happened for a very long time.  How wonderful to connect in such a deep and beautiful way with a friend who I have known for 53 years and to see and be seen, open hearted and blessed.  This meeting enabled me to begin seeing me once again, and its amazing and humbling to see myself without the judgement, or shame, or humiliation.  

 

Here we are around age 5/6 in our bobby socks, what wonderful memories of such a long time ago.

When I left SA in 2012 to embark on my sacred adventure, and began this blog, what was so amazing is sharing my story.  This was for me a wonderful way to write and encapsulate my experiences, what I was feeling and going through as my adventure continues.  I have always wanted write a book, a story of my life and this gave me the opportunity to begin the flow and allow my inner voice to begin to emerge. Over the past 3 years I have written around 56 assignment papers each with an average of 2000 words and having to change my way of writing to a more academic and scientific way has been so challenging.  But also a wonderful new learning for me.  Having the opportunity now to begin allowing my inner voice and wisdom together with a new way of expressing and with a critical way of thinking, is how I move into my new writing.  I am so happy to be here sharing and expressing again, allowing myself the space  - even if its only me who benefits from my wisdom and sharing.  My book is bubbling and beginning to take shape, its the story of my life, and giving this rightful place for expression is what I am looking to create right now.  

Dr Wayne Dyer woke each morning at 03.11, he would place his feet on the floor in front of his bed, say Thank You three times, go to the bathroom, and then sit at his writing desk, an alter to God, and in those quiet moments write his books, by hand.  I always loved this story as I really get it.  Other authors have their own ritual and place of writing that holds the container for them to express and share their stories.  I'm now creating mine.  In my mind I can see clearly of how I would like to manifest my life and my space, and this is part of the adventure for me now - to create and manifest my life, my work, my story.

The privilege for is to share it with you, ............ whoever you are who reads my words.  Thank you. 

  

This is the orange river at sunset - it reminds me of the yellow brick road in the Widard of Oz.
The wizard is within - this is a river of deep beautiful gold, this is my path and the new course
 I am setting for my sacred adventure.

  

A garden of beautiful flowers for NOW and beyond ...

"Deep in your wounds are seeds, waiting to grow into beautiful flowers" 

Niti Majethia

These words really touched my heart, and in a way summed up for me a year of the most unbelievable growth, joy, shift and deep sadness and loss.  2013 will never be just any year, it was a year that I experienced my wounds as seeds for new beginnings, new understandings and immense change, and a grief and loss that has changed my way of being in my world and within myself.

As this new year begins and I watched the sun setting on Tuesday evening I contemplated that the sun and the hours as well as the seasons and the tides know only what they are, and experience this in fullness and completeness, it just is and something that the more I contemplate, the more I know that there is just NOW ! New year is a moment to reconsider and perhaps take a deep breath and wonder - there are no guarantees and it is in each moment of this life that I am hoping to find the wonder.  As my mind races and I notice the stress or worry within me, it takes strength and resilience to take a deep breath and be exactly where I am, and all know that is in perfection.  

If I can achieve this now, in my life, in my writing, in my studies, in my work, in my relationships and within myself, this will be the best moment, time, year ever.  Nelson Mandela is my mentor and has given me so many gifts since his passing nearly a month ago.  He took many moments to reflect, to meditate, to pray and to be in each moment, and then to take action.  Action that is honouring, respectful, reconciliatory, kind, inclusive, for the good of all, and this gives me my wishes and resolutions not only for 2014 but for the rest of my life.  A new beginning and understanding and treading on the earth in a more gentle way.  

With the seeds from many wounds, both personal and collective, I envision the most magnificent garden of flowers.  The soil rich and fertile, the roots deeply nourished and secure, each bud, blossom, flower, leaf perfect in what it is, shining in its completeness.  This is a metaphor that has a richness and a depth of how absolutely exceptional this life is.

Peace love and light for NOW, for 2014 and forever.

Om Shanti Shanti Shanti

Nidhi 

Hamba Kakule Tata Madiba

It is in deep reflection on our day of prayer and meditation that I am writing and saying Hamba Kakule, Goodbye, Be and Rest in Peace to one of the greatest human beings to have walked on our sacred earth - Nelson Rolihlahla Mandela - who left his body on Thursday 5 December 2013 at 20h50.

It is also with such a sad and open heart that I have been inspired and touched by the connection, the love and the words of so much honour, respect and acknowledgement from young to old, across all human beings around the world - the light and love of the world is shining onto our rainbow nation and we are connecting and celebrating this incredible man.  There are so many lessons and so much wisdom that he gave to the world and this touched our hearts and inspired us in so many ways.

So as the tears flow and I watch the stories of his life and get reminded of the path that his life unfolded in South Africa, the stories from my country and my homeland and look to my ancestors and the strength that they showed and the path that they walked in order for me to be so privileged to live through the transformation in this country and be here now to shed tears of appreciation, of awe and to be humble in the light of this blessed master of humanity.  Since Friday morning 03h11 when I found out, from my daughter's Facebook post, that our beloved Madiba had left his body, something has changed within me and around me in a mammoth and unprecedented way.  What a story - such humility, such strength and respect & dignity, love for humanity as powerful like something never witnessed or expressed in our world, ever !

And of course when there is contemplation and reflection, there is a personal assessment and reflection on my own life my own struggle and need for peace and reconciliation.  Some of the amazing inspirations I have gained from Madiba is Ubuntu, his choice of reconciliation instead of retaliation and his philosophy of forgiveness of past transgressions so that we can be free from the shackles that often hold us back within our own lives.  Watching again the story of the shift in South Africa from apartheid to the elections in 1994 and how many obstacles that had to be overcome for Madiba and the ANC and FW De Klerk and the National Party.  Which are indicative of the many the personal issues we all face within our own lives, and that I am observing within my own life.  There are certain relationships that are not in peace or reconciled and this has caused me tremendous sadness and I carry a feeling of hopelessness around these as I am not quite sure how to reconcile them and find a working solution.  Nelson Mandela was pushed and challenged to a great extent to stand for his beliefs and not give into the retaliation that was so exceptionally difficult to withstand.  My reflections are on the choices that I make and to let go and accept what I cannot change or reconcile, bringing the Serenity Prayer into my consciousness :

                          God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
                          The strength to change the things I can
                          And the wisdom to know the difference.

                              

I still have work to do, and although I haven't been in prison for 27 years, I have my own odds to work on and reconcile within my own life and Nelson Mandela is my inspiration on my journey to freedom and to coming to more reconciliation and acceptance.  As I step into the role of Wise Woman and Elder, I hold this precious being deep within my heart and have this to say to my beloved Madiba :

                            Thank you, Nkosi Tata Madiba
                            For walking your talk, for your humanity, for your love for children,
                            For your dancing, your smile and your love for South Africa and all her
                            Beautiful people !
                            You have been an inspiration and an embodiment of Divine Masculine energy
                            A father, a master and a friend.
                            You will never been forgotten
                            Rest in Peace - Be blessed Always
                            I love you Tata, Hamba Kakule

What a man - What a gift - What grace - never to be forgotten.

I am so grateful and so blessed for this honour, to write and honour this exceptional man.

Be Blessed xx

And life is beautiful ......... As it is

I haven't been able to sit and write again since my last post, I think that just being in my life, being present with so much going on and me working it all out has given me the opportunity to not write but to let the words rise, slowly and in their own time, much like preparing a loaf of amazing bread, allowing it to expand and grow, and when ready (only when ready) to bake it and allow it be presented in its beauty and completeness.  The loss of my beloved friend and her daughter and friend really shook my core, it shattered me into a space of needing to just find out who I am in this world and to take a moment to just breathe and be with the knowledge and the deep innate wisdom of life, being alive, breathing in and breathing out.  And I am sure there will be many moments in what is left of my life in this reality that I will stop and take a moment to assess where I am, who I am and connect with the fragility of this life. And of course accepting and embracing my vulnerability and allowing what is to be what is.

A year ago, today,  I left London and flew back home to South Africa and my new life.  I had a plan, I was filled with so many emotions, trepidation, uncertainty and wonder of how the future would unfold for me.  And here I am a year later, honouring and celebrating my beloved mother who would have been 82 today, in my 3rd term of studying which has embarked me on the most unbelievable journey of self discovery and wonder,  and more settled in myself than I think I have ever been.  I am beginning to love my life in Cape Town and am feeling 'at home' within me, enriched by the incredible people I am meeting and connecting with.

My trip to Israel was an amazing interlude to my year for many reasons and meeting and reconnecting with my beloved beautiful daughter has enriched my life more that my humble words can express.  There are so many stories to share about and I feel that I will do a series of stories here capturing moments that have enriched my life so much and created the colour and intensity that fills each and every moment.

I celebrate Beltane tonight, which is a time of integration between the divine feminine and the divine masculine, the great rite, and for me a time of an integration within myself, of honouring my place on the earth and a space and allowing my divine creativity to be birthed abundantly.  I feel I am unfolding and flowing in tune with all and with this comes a huge gratitude.

And so I say with a full heart ...... life is beautiful ..... as it is.

Om shanti shanti shanti

Be blessed
Always

How to say goodbye ..............

I am sad - my heart is open and vulnerable and I am dealing with a loss of a beloved angel friend and her daughter and their friend who died in a car accident last night (19 August) and have left in a very crazy time - death, destruction, dishonesty, fear, loss, and so many questions.  When I heard of this accident and the loss the shock was immense, its unbelievable that 3 beautiful souls from our community could just go, like that, gone ! I am feeling shattered and absolutely devastated at this loss and confused and at the same time it feels okay, that they are free, flying free from their physical attachments, there are many souls that were there to meet them and its fascinating at how random death is.  Last week I witnessed a fire dancer that I have worked with for more than 10 years, who is professional and a dear friend, catch on fire in a moment when I was feeling so happy, connected and in a space of absolute bliss drumming and feeling as one,  the image is still behind my closed eyes of his head burning, he survived and is healing, another random act.

The vulnerability and fragility of life, of us all.  So whats is all really about this thing we call life ?  I wonder how many blog posts have been written about this - what is it all really about ?

I started writing this post on the 20th August .......... its the 30th today, 10 days later and tomorrow is the memorial service for these beloved goddesses and I am still in a place of such deep sadness and profound loss.  Usually I can find some spiritual understanding and depth about life and death and what happens between, and with this loss, there are many truths that I am being shown and am understanding, but still there is a sense of surreal-ness and unbelievability about this.  And the question I have been asking myself every morning as I wake up and before I go to sleep at night, is why ?  why them and why all 3 and why like that and why, why, why .......... and that is a rhetorical question for sure as there is no answer ....... just a space of an in breath and an out breath and then no breath, and how is not relative either or when, its random.

So we live, now, we breathe, we experience joy, we experience sorrow, life happens and there are no guarantees, there is no norm,  and with each in breath and out breath there is our life experience.

I am going to Israel on Monday the 2nd to meet with my beloved daughter, Nicole, whom I have not seen since March 2011.  This is our first trip to the holy land.  Meeting her now has become the most important and necessary thing for us to do.  And in the midst of the turmoil and threats of war and destruction, this present experience of being in the now, of living life, of taking the risks as there are no guarantees comes up and again I feel pressed to put into practice the mightiness of the words I speak.

I received an email from a friend I met whilst travelling last year, warning me against going to Israel at this time.  In the space of numbness and grief that I am experiencing right now it was such a fascinating email to get, and I appreciated so much her love and care for my wellbeing.  I wrote back to her explaining that there is life and there is death and in between there is breath, choosing to live the amazing joy filled beautiful life possible and that I am choosing to focus on the love, the peace, the light and the joy.  And it is within that awareness that I find the answer to the question Why ? - Why Not !

To beloved Ursula, Gali and Kesia - your light, your beauty, your purity are a gift to all that knew and loved you.  Your presence brought joy and magnificence to your families, loved ones, our community and tribe and to the world.  My life has been so enriched and I am honoured to have been able to love you, to share amazing times with you and to call you my beloved friends.  Thank you for touching my life and for the joy that you brought to me.  Thank you for gracing my path and sharing this journey with me. I love you beloved ones, until we meet again, Shalom - Om shanti shanti shanti xxx

Saying goodbye and remembering

I wanted to write about grief and deep sadness, about what I am feeling right now that the father of our nation and the inspirational human being - Nelson Mandela, is preparing for his journey home to be with his ancestors and at the same time honouring my beloved mother, born Myra Steckoll, who passed on the 27th June 1993 - 20 years ago.  Its a time of deep reflection and for me a time to honour the past 20 years, where I have been and how my life has changed so much during this time.

My beautiful mother on her wedding day 23 December  1957.

One of my memories,  is that when my mother passed one of the things I was most sad about is that she didn't witness our new democracy and Nelson Mandela becoming our very first freely elected president.  My mom died when things were crazy in South Africa and we were so unsure of what the future held.  We spoke about this in her last few months and how it has been to be a black person in the old South Africa and how things would maybe change.  We were so unsure then, we didn't know the miracle that was about to unfold.  When I stood for hours in the queue on the 27 April 1994, I held my mother so in my heart, knowing that somehow she was with me and we were voting for this new democracy together.

The stories that we carry from those days, the days of darkness and so much violence and fear, of the most horrible crimes against innocent people, the chaos, the weird rules imposed on us that kept us separated and in the dark, need to be told and shared.  Fear and control, people taking risks and being arrested for crazy things, beaten for nothing, killed because of the colour of their skin and for not having a "dom-pass" when they walked on the streets after 8 at night.  Memories of going to Johnny Clegg concerts at Good Hope Stadium, and when he sang Asimbonanga, the security police would stand with guns on the top floor while we lit our lighters and sang for Mandela on Robben Island and our freedom which one day, may come.

There are so many memories, so much sadness and so much opportunity to celebrate, grow and change.  I can't quite believe its 20 years since my mother died, its such a long time.  There is so much of my life and experiences I haven't been able to share with her.  Nicole, my daughter was 12 years old when her granny died, she's going to 32 this year - so much of her growth and her amazing life experiences that I haven't been able to share with my mom, in real time.  But I have shared each moment of those 20 years with her as she lives within me and within my heart and my memories always.  I carry her in me and with me always and we walk my journey and that of my daughter together.

And I believe that we will walk with Madbia and carry him in our hearts and in our lives forever - its not a loss, its not goodbye, it never really is as there is no real separation.  There is the absence of the body, but never of the soul.  I know that because I was with my mother just after she took her final breath, and I felt her everywhere, I knew deep in my very being that she had expanded and taken on something far greater than her physical body.  And I felt her in my heart and I knew, really knew.

Grief is an amazing experience if we allow it be.  Its a gift, an opportunity to celebrate the life, honour the person, the love, and to feel our own vulnerability. The aspect of ourselves that has to confront our own mortality and face our own death and moving on from this physical plane.  We, as a nation are going into a period of deep grief and of mourning.  Its time to take a moment out of the daily mayhem and busyness and take some time to say thank you, to honour and celebrate a human being who has brought so much light, peace, forgiveness, reconciliation and absolute joy into our lives and brought into being something so very great, a rainbow nation and possibilities of peaceful change.

When I was in Italy last year, at the Vatican, the day before Good Friday and I went to the shop where I bought a few trinkets, I met a nun who was from an Asian country, can't remember where.  She asked where I was from and I told her South Africa, and she looked at me, smiled and said "You have Nelson Mandela".  I said yes smiling back.  We shared a moment and she said "you are very blessed in South Africa to have such a beautiful soul like Nelson Mandela."  and I replied "I wish South African's would really know that",  well, I think we do know that now.

I miss you mom.

Hamba kakuhle Nelson Rolihlahla Mandela




Be in Peace x