Settling

Good morning, its 12 June 2018, and I am settling into my new country cottage just outside Hoekwil on the Garden Route.  I arrived a week ago and it has been so amazing to just take my time to settle, enjoy the stars, the birds, the air and the views.  I feel like I am finding my roots again and it feels good to be home.  

One of the things I have been considering is the concept of friends and family and how, having no family in SA, and very little around the world, my friends have always played an important and integral role in my life.  In fact, from a very young age, I resonated and connected far better with my friends than I ever did with my immediate family.  I always felt like I never really belonged to the people that birthed and raised me.  I felt a deeper belonging to other people in my life, both adults and children and I think friends is not enough of a word to describe them.  The word tribe comes to mind, and there is a connection with my ancestry that I feel is more my tribe, so I decided that my family tree is filled with people who I see as my clan.  They are scattered all over the world, and often play different roles in my life, but the commonality that we share is love for each other and deep connection which is sacred and I want to honour.  And coming home to the Garden Route feels like I have stepped in the warm arms of many of my clan.  

This blog began when I started my sacred adventure in 2012, and I believe that that sacred adventure is continuing, and so I am wanting to continue with this blog as my life unfolds and grounds here on the Garden Route.  With each step, I take to create my envisioned life and become more and more the wise elder serving my journey, my clients, my community, Mother Earth and the collective.  It's such a strong calling for me and it is so wonderful to have the opportunity to be here and to share my journey as my work and my life unfolds.  I feel that by sharing here and continuing to write this blog, I am accountable to myself and hope that my words inspire those who read them.  It is helping me to allow my writing to flow, in preparing for the books that I am hoping to write about my life and my work. Sharing the legacy that I want to leave as an inspiration for those who are still to come, the many leaves on my family tree.

This post then is to rekindle the sharing of my adventure, to offer deep gratitude to my clan, and to make a commitment to send out a weekly update on life on the Garden Route from the perspective a practicing Wise Elder-to-Be.  Until next time, be always blessed xx

Going Home, I'm Going Home .............

I have made a decision to go home - and this is facilitated by many things that have transpired in my life over the past 4.5 years.  And most recently the devastating fires in the Garden Route.  What trauma this caused me and I wasn't even there.  But I was in Cape Town, and living a life where I feel so isolated, sad, and disconnected.  And for long I have thought its Cape Town, the people are cliquey, I am unsure where I fit in, financially I am just not making it, and many other things that niggle and fill my mind constantly.  And then, as I was preparing to visit my beloved Garden Route and give some love and holding to my community, that it's not Cape Town, it's me!  And suddenly I realized I need to go home.

And if I am going to go through the challenges, at least let me do this in a place where I have a community where; I feel a sense of belonging, I can work easily with the various sectors of the community,  I can add value and give back where it is needed.  And then I went home, on the 16 June, to connect with my community in crisis.  

During my time in Wilderness and Knysna, I felt as if I never left, the honouring of my community in crisis gave me familiar feeling of belonging and connection, those whom I comforted, comforted me, and the love and heart connection were so real.  This is my family and this is where I need to be.  

So this is my plan, I will leave Cape Town in early January 2018.  And make my way home.  I will open a Trauma and Bereavement practice and work in both Knysna and Sedgefield and George, and link with the Phoenix Programme through Lifeline Garden Route, offering trauma counselling, counselling training, and trauma relief groups. My vision is to live simply and with integrity and harmoniously with myself, the community, and the earth.  And to find my home where my heart is. 

And so my Sacred Adventure continues and deepens. 
Be blessed, Always.
Nidhi xx

Wake up time

I am trying to recreate myself right now and while talking to a friend last night I was reminded of the story from my childhood of this little train engine who had to huff and puff up a hill against all odds.  I think I can I think I can and she huffed and puffed I know I can I know I can and she made it - against every odd stacked against her that zapped her steam she pushed and pushed.  Well that's where I am and I have no idea how the hell I am going to to the top of the hill, let alone start moving at the bottom, but I am! 

I know that I have been in this place in a few times in my life and I have conquered many challenges that often felt insurmountable, but I am in a different place in my life now, a different developmental stage and there are moments in my life that I wonder what the hell am I doing.  And this is the place where I have to surrender and know that I am where I have to be right now ! and so I open my arms, with a very vulnerable heart, and I ask God for the grace to help me through where I am right at this moment.  And I have no choice but to surrender and let go.  And trust ! deep, deep trust that everything is as it is!

So as I am piecing the many facets of me together, I am thinking the best way to do this is to write it out - it all part of my adventure - and so here I go:

• Financially I don't know how else to do this I am 56 and am starting again - with a few assets - debt and an education and experience that is worth as much as I value it as.  I never invested my money in the bank in a safe place to grow and take care of me.  I invested in my education and trying to get a new life, I travelled and have had a few years of recreating myself.  I may not have money invested but when I look at the growth and courage that I have gained - I am my own return.  How will I look after myself when I'm old, though?  That I don't know.  And how will I get through now with not earning enough yet to pay my monthly bills let alone reduce and diminish my debt and honour the beautiful people who have helped me through the past few years?  That I don't know but again the little train engine comes to mind and I have to keep repeating to myself I think I can I think I can I know I can I know I can.  This causes me sleepless nights and I isolate myself, how do I release the shame I carry with money and restore this into a place of integrity, flow, and abundance.  It there I just haven't worked out how to bring this aspect into manifestation - it's my hampster wheel this - it's a pattern of my life I keep repeating over and over again.  

• Relationship - I am lonely, I have a beautiful life and so much love to share, I love being in love and making love and having a companion, it's the Sunday morning connection where there is nowhere to go or be that I miss, or at night when its time to get into bed, make love chat and connect around what happened today. It's cooking with someone creating a delicious meal together, sharing stories, a glass of wine and laughing or crying together.  I miss this so deep in my soul and yet the universe has not presented me with a life partner, I am doing this alone.  And I just can't accept that this is how my life is going to be.  I crave this connection and so much want to meet someone to get old with. You know this is a good place to talk about my journey with my sexuality and how after so many years of not know how to define myself and not wanting to limit the fluidity within myself, I have been able to accept that fluidity and honour and celebrate it.  So no I am not straight and no I am not a lesbian and no I don't even think I am bisexual - there is a term called pan-sexual - (One who can love sexuality in many forms. Like bisexuality, but even more fluid, a pansexual person can love not only the traditional male and female genders, but also transgendered, androgynous, and gender fluid people.) even that feels limiting for me as the minute something has a title it feels set in stone.  I think I will just call myself "Nidhi Sexual."  Anyway right at this time I would like to meet a conscious aware man who I can allow to love and adore me, as a Goddess, and where I can uninhibitedly enjoy the expressing and celebrating of my sexuality. Whether this will be the partner to get old with I am unsure, but this is where I feel I need to allow myself to explore at this time in my life. 

• My body -  this is where I step out from behind my shame and really honestly and openly talk about the part of myself that I hide the most. I do not move enough in fact if I am completely honest I know that this is the core of the change that I need to make and the part of myself that will shift all other challenges in my life. And yet I just don't get it right and would rather work, research, watch a series, than do what I love more than anything (besides drumming and meditation) and that is being and moving in nature, doing tai chi, swimming, connecting with the earth and being one with mother gaia. So what stops me? Why do I disassociate with my core so much? There are practical reasons, and I will not negate them - since moving to Cape Town I don't feel safe to go out into nature on my own but wonder if that is an excuse or what that fear (and its real) is really about.  Am I scared to really step into the physicalness of my being and why? If I go into my core and ask these questions I know that they are centered around the abuse - from my father, from my mother and from Robert (Nicole's father) and this is where I am still trapped and broken.  Those shattered parts of myself is where I have isolated, put up walls and really taken me away from my authentic sexy sensual gorgeous self.  And I have a 30kg wall of protection that makes it all just so much more difficult and challenging.  But this is bullshit !!!! It cannot have power over me - as I write this I realize that 30kg is nothing in the great scheme of things to overcome and let go of - so where do I begin? 

I needed to share this today - I needed to wake up at 3.30 with so much angst and fear in my soul that I had to release it and have an honest conversation with myself. And what better way but to write it on a blog and share it with the world - whether someone reads this or not.  I needed to say it - as this is my adventure and this is my life and this is real.  

REAWAKENING

I am reawakening this Blog - why? because I just attended the most amazing writing working with an inspired writer Melinda Ferguson (https://twitter.com/melindaSMACKED?ref_src=twsrc%5Egoogle%7Ctwcamp%5Eserp%7Ctwgr%5Eauthor) and I realised that I need to write and write and inspire myself and write.  When I went on my sacred adventure in 2012, writing this blog was one of the highlights of my journey. 

It's 2017 and my vision for this year is CONNECTION and what a beautiful way is for me to Reawaken this blog: Nidhi's Sacred Adventure, my sacred adventure.  So here I am again and I am so happy to be here again.  This is a reawakening for me on very many levels - besides the blog, I am reconnecting with ME - it may sound contrived and self-indulgent, but as I unfold and allow my truth out, I know that there will be a better understanding as to how important it is for me - and you - to really connect with me (or you) - ourselves. 

There is much happening in our broken and damaged world and the levels of trauma, abuse, unkindness, and evil control is on a mammoth level.  The only place for us to go - or should I say - for me to go is in and reconnect with myself in a very deep, honest and authentic way.  
When your favourite cup smashes in 100's of pieces, even with an expert porcelain repairer, there will be hairline cracks that never go away. These are the scars that remain with us as we walk through our life, reminders of where we have been, and a beautiful inspiration to know what each of these hairline scars contributes to our learning.  

I am at a crossroads within myself at the moment in time. And this is the opportunity for me to get so incredibly real - honest - raw and primal - so that I step out of the shame and expose the authentic me.  This is the time and this is the decision and choice that I am making.  And I am so f....k..g scared, terrified, vulnerable.  And this is my medium of the honesty and realness, just as I shared my sacred journey in 2012, my adventure continues.

This morning I read this:

Be Still in Haste - Wendell Berry

How quietly I begin again
From this moment
   looking at the clock,
I start over

So much time has passed
and is equated by whatever
Split second is present

From this
Moment this Moment
 is the first 

At the age of 18, I met a man - he is my daughter's father - we were together for 6 years, 4 of which we were married. The levels of abuse and violation that I received from this man were horrific - and I have not spoken about it for more than 37 years - trapped in a place of victimhood, I have managed, survived, rebuilt, grown and become the exceptional woman I am now - but deep within my being is a broken soul that needs to step out from behind the shame, humiliation, resentment, anger, rage, manipulation, dishonesty, deceit and many other emotions and feelings that I have used to abuse and punish myself.  Well, today - in this moment - I begin again.

At the time of my birth, I entered the world into a loveless, manipulative, violent, dishonest, shame-filled family, linked with generations of abuse and shame - into a time of where women silently fulfilled their roles, dissatisfied with their lives but staying in the place of where their mothers were.  


Nidhi's adventure that continues at this moment is one of the healing and reconciliation I am having with myself.  And how glad I am to have a place to hold myself accountable and have the opportunity to heal what is broken in me.

Hello Again .....

I know its nearly autumn and this is very much an image that feels like spring, which is about rebirth and new beginnings, fruitfulness and coming out of the darkness.  And this is my 'spring' so to speak - a blossoming of a very long and intense journey of studying towards a BAppSocSci degree, moving to live in Cape Town, and the beginning of a flowering for me.  Here I am, as my adventure continues, in a very different place to where I was when I returned from my sacred journey in 2012, deciding to study psychology and come and live in Cape Town.  Its quite interesting as I look back over the past 3 years and touch base with myself.  Studying has been so intense for me as I have been completely enmeshed within this journey and find myself now, as I am finishing off with this chapter, tying  together the last threads of this web, asking myself, where have you been beloved Nidhi?  And what now?  What is unfolding and blossoming for me and how am I going to walk this journey congruent with the growth and transformation that I have undertaken?

Recently a friend, who I have known since we were 2 1/2, and who lives in Australia now, came to visit and we spent an afternoon and a morning together. What happened with this meeting, this re-connection and re-acquaintance, is I saw myself through the eyes of someone that knows me, loves me, accepts me and acknowledges me opening my heart in a way that has not happened for a very long time.  How wonderful to connect in such a deep and beautiful way with a friend who I have known for 53 years and to see and be seen, open hearted and blessed.  This meeting enabled me to begin seeing me once again, and its amazing and humbling to see myself without the judgement, or shame, or humiliation.  

 

Here we are around age 5/6 in our bobby socks, what wonderful memories of such a long time ago.

When I left SA in 2012 to embark on my sacred adventure, and began this blog, what was so amazing is sharing my story.  This was for me a wonderful way to write and encapsulate my experiences, what I was feeling and going through as my adventure continues.  I have always wanted write a book, a story of my life and this gave me the opportunity to begin the flow and allow my inner voice to begin to emerge. Over the past 3 years I have written around 56 assignment papers each with an average of 2000 words and having to change my way of writing to a more academic and scientific way has been so challenging.  But also a wonderful new learning for me.  Having the opportunity now to begin allowing my inner voice and wisdom together with a new way of expressing and with a critical way of thinking, is how I move into my new writing.  I am so happy to be here sharing and expressing again, allowing myself the space  - even if its only me who benefits from my wisdom and sharing.  My book is bubbling and beginning to take shape, its the story of my life, and giving this rightful place for expression is what I am looking to create right now.  

Dr Wayne Dyer woke each morning at 03.11, he would place his feet on the floor in front of his bed, say Thank You three times, go to the bathroom, and then sit at his writing desk, an alter to God, and in those quiet moments write his books, by hand.  I always loved this story as I really get it.  Other authors have their own ritual and place of writing that holds the container for them to express and share their stories.  I'm now creating mine.  In my mind I can see clearly of how I would like to manifest my life and my space, and this is part of the adventure for me now - to create and manifest my life, my work, my story.

The privilege for is to share it with you, ............ whoever you are who reads my words.  Thank you. 

  

This is the orange river at sunset - it reminds me of the yellow brick road in the Widard of Oz.
The wizard is within - this is a river of deep beautiful gold, this is my path and the new course
 I am setting for my sacred adventure.

  

A garden of beautiful flowers for NOW and beyond ...

"Deep in your wounds are seeds, waiting to grow into beautiful flowers" 

Niti Majethia

These words really touched my heart, and in a way summed up for me a year of the most unbelievable growth, joy, shift and deep sadness and loss.  2013 will never be just any year, it was a year that I experienced my wounds as seeds for new beginnings, new understandings and immense change, and a grief and loss that has changed my way of being in my world and within myself.

As this new year begins and I watched the sun setting on Tuesday evening I contemplated that the sun and the hours as well as the seasons and the tides know only what they are, and experience this in fullness and completeness, it just is and something that the more I contemplate, the more I know that there is just NOW ! New year is a moment to reconsider and perhaps take a deep breath and wonder - there are no guarantees and it is in each moment of this life that I am hoping to find the wonder.  As my mind races and I notice the stress or worry within me, it takes strength and resilience to take a deep breath and be exactly where I am, and all know that is in perfection.  

If I can achieve this now, in my life, in my writing, in my studies, in my work, in my relationships and within myself, this will be the best moment, time, year ever.  Nelson Mandela is my mentor and has given me so many gifts since his passing nearly a month ago.  He took many moments to reflect, to meditate, to pray and to be in each moment, and then to take action.  Action that is honouring, respectful, reconciliatory, kind, inclusive, for the good of all, and this gives me my wishes and resolutions not only for 2014 but for the rest of my life.  A new beginning and understanding and treading on the earth in a more gentle way.  

With the seeds from many wounds, both personal and collective, I envision the most magnificent garden of flowers.  The soil rich and fertile, the roots deeply nourished and secure, each bud, blossom, flower, leaf perfect in what it is, shining in its completeness.  This is a metaphor that has a richness and a depth of how absolutely exceptional this life is.

Peace love and light for NOW, for 2014 and forever.

Om Shanti Shanti Shanti

Nidhi 

Hamba Kakule Tata Madiba

It is in deep reflection on our day of prayer and meditation that I am writing and saying Hamba Kakule, Goodbye, Be and Rest in Peace to one of the greatest human beings to have walked on our sacred earth - Nelson Rolihlahla Mandela - who left his body on Thursday 5 December 2013 at 20h50.

It is also with such a sad and open heart that I have been inspired and touched by the connection, the love and the words of so much honour, respect and acknowledgement from young to old, across all human beings around the world - the light and love of the world is shining onto our rainbow nation and we are connecting and celebrating this incredible man.  There are so many lessons and so much wisdom that he gave to the world and this touched our hearts and inspired us in so many ways.

So as the tears flow and I watch the stories of his life and get reminded of the path that his life unfolded in South Africa, the stories from my country and my homeland and look to my ancestors and the strength that they showed and the path that they walked in order for me to be so privileged to live through the transformation in this country and be here now to shed tears of appreciation, of awe and to be humble in the light of this blessed master of humanity.  Since Friday morning 03h11 when I found out, from my daughter's Facebook post, that our beloved Madiba had left his body, something has changed within me and around me in a mammoth and unprecedented way.  What a story - such humility, such strength and respect & dignity, love for humanity as powerful like something never witnessed or expressed in our world, ever !

And of course when there is contemplation and reflection, there is a personal assessment and reflection on my own life my own struggle and need for peace and reconciliation.  Some of the amazing inspirations I have gained from Madiba is Ubuntu, his choice of reconciliation instead of retaliation and his philosophy of forgiveness of past transgressions so that we can be free from the shackles that often hold us back within our own lives.  Watching again the story of the shift in South Africa from apartheid to the elections in 1994 and how many obstacles that had to be overcome for Madiba and the ANC and FW De Klerk and the National Party.  Which are indicative of the many the personal issues we all face within our own lives, and that I am observing within my own life.  There are certain relationships that are not in peace or reconciled and this has caused me tremendous sadness and I carry a feeling of hopelessness around these as I am not quite sure how to reconcile them and find a working solution.  Nelson Mandela was pushed and challenged to a great extent to stand for his beliefs and not give into the retaliation that was so exceptionally difficult to withstand.  My reflections are on the choices that I make and to let go and accept what I cannot change or reconcile, bringing the Serenity Prayer into my consciousness :

                          God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
                          The strength to change the things I can
                          And the wisdom to know the difference.

                              

I still have work to do, and although I haven't been in prison for 27 years, I have my own odds to work on and reconcile within my own life and Nelson Mandela is my inspiration on my journey to freedom and to coming to more reconciliation and acceptance.  As I step into the role of Wise Woman and Elder, I hold this precious being deep within my heart and have this to say to my beloved Madiba :

                            Thank you, Nkosi Tata Madiba
                            For walking your talk, for your humanity, for your love for children,
                            For your dancing, your smile and your love for South Africa and all her
                            Beautiful people !
                            You have been an inspiration and an embodiment of Divine Masculine energy
                            A father, a master and a friend.
                            You will never been forgotten
                            Rest in Peace - Be blessed Always
                            I love you Tata, Hamba Kakule

What a man - What a gift - What grace - never to be forgotten.

I am so grateful and so blessed for this honour, to write and honour this exceptional man.

Be Blessed xx