Wake up time

I am trying to recreate myself right now and while talking to a friend last night I was reminded of the story from my childhood of this little train engine who had to huff and puff up a hill against all odds.  I think I can I think I can and she huffed and puffed I know I can I know I can and she made it - against every odd stacked against her that zapped her steam she pushed and pushed.  Well that's where I am and I have no idea how the hell I am going to to the top of the hill, let alone start moving at the bottom, but I am! 

I know that I have been in this place in a few times in my life and I have conquered many challenges that often felt insurmountable, but I am in a different place in my life now, a different developmental stage and there are moments in my life that I wonder what the hell am I doing.  And this is the place where I have to surrender and know that I am where I have to be right now ! and so I open my arms, with a very vulnerable heart, and I ask God for the grace to help me through where I am right at this moment.  And I have no choice but to surrender and let go.  And trust ! deep, deep trust that everything is as it is!

So as I am piecing the many facets of me together, I am thinking the best way to do this is to write it out - it all part of my adventure - and so here I go:

• Financially I don't know how else to do this I am 56 and am starting again - with a few assets - debt and an education and experience that is worth as much as I value it as.  I never invested my money in the bank in a safe place to grow and take care of me.  I invested in my education and trying to get a new life, I travelled and have had a few years of recreating myself.  I may not have money invested but when I look at the growth and courage that I have gained - I am my own return.  How will I look after myself when I'm old, though?  That I don't know.  And how will I get through now with not earning enough yet to pay my monthly bills let alone reduce and diminish my debt and honour the beautiful people who have helped me through the past few years?  That I don't know but again the little train engine comes to mind and I have to keep repeating to myself I think I can I think I can I know I can I know I can.  This causes me sleepless nights and I isolate myself, how do I release the shame I carry with money and restore this into a place of integrity, flow, and abundance.  It there I just haven't worked out how to bring this aspect into manifestation - it's my hampster wheel this - it's a pattern of my life I keep repeating over and over again.  

• Relationship - I am lonely, I have a beautiful life and so much love to share, I love being in love and making love and having a companion, it's the Sunday morning connection where there is nowhere to go or be that I miss, or at night when its time to get into bed, make love chat and connect around what happened today. It's cooking with someone creating a delicious meal together, sharing stories, a glass of wine and laughing or crying together.  I miss this so deep in my soul and yet the universe has not presented me with a life partner, I am doing this alone.  And I just can't accept that this is how my life is going to be.  I crave this connection and so much want to meet someone to get old with. You know this is a good place to talk about my journey with my sexuality and how after so many years of not know how to define myself and not wanting to limit the fluidity within myself, I have been able to accept that fluidity and honour and celebrate it.  So no I am not straight and no I am not a lesbian and no I don't even think I am bisexual - there is a term called pan-sexual - (One who can love sexuality in many forms. Like bisexuality, but even more fluid, a pansexual person can love not only the traditional male and female genders, but also transgendered, androgynous, and gender fluid people.) even that feels limiting for me as the minute something has a title it feels set in stone.  I think I will just call myself "Nidhi Sexual."  Anyway right at this time I would like to meet a conscious aware man who I can allow to love and adore me, as a Goddess, and where I can uninhibitedly enjoy the expressing and celebrating of my sexuality. Whether this will be the partner to get old with I am unsure, but this is where I feel I need to allow myself to explore at this time in my life. 

• My body -  this is where I step out from behind my shame and really honestly and openly talk about the part of myself that I hide the most. I do not move enough in fact if I am completely honest I know that this is the core of the change that I need to make and the part of myself that will shift all other challenges in my life. And yet I just don't get it right and would rather work, research, watch a series, than do what I love more than anything (besides drumming and meditation) and that is being and moving in nature, doing tai chi, swimming, connecting with the earth and being one with mother gaia. So what stops me? Why do I disassociate with my core so much? There are practical reasons, and I will not negate them - since moving to Cape Town I don't feel safe to go out into nature on my own but wonder if that is an excuse or what that fear (and its real) is really about.  Am I scared to really step into the physicalness of my being and why? If I go into my core and ask these questions I know that they are centered around the abuse - from my father, from my mother and from Robert (Nicole's father) and this is where I am still trapped and broken.  Those shattered parts of myself is where I have isolated, put up walls and really taken me away from my authentic sexy sensual gorgeous self.  And I have a 30kg wall of protection that makes it all just so much more difficult and challenging.  But this is bullshit !!!! It cannot have power over me - as I write this I realize that 30kg is nothing in the great scheme of things to overcome and let go of - so where do I begin? 

I needed to share this today - I needed to wake up at 3.30 with so much angst and fear in my soul that I had to release it and have an honest conversation with myself. And what better way but to write it on a blog and share it with the world - whether someone reads this or not.  I needed to say it - as this is my adventure and this is my life and this is real.