I have made a decision to go home - and this is facilitated by many things that have transpired in my life over the past 4.5 years. And most recently the devastating fires in the Garden Route. What trauma this caused me and I wasn't even there. But I was in Cape Town, and living a life where I feel so isolated, sad, and disconnected. And for long I have thought its Cape Town, the people are cliquey, I am unsure where I fit in, financially I am just not making it, and many other things that niggle and fill my mind constantly. And then, as I was preparing to visit my beloved Garden Route and give some love and holding to my community, that it's not Cape Town, it's me! And suddenly I realized I need to go home.
And if I am going to go through the challenges, at least let me do this in a place where I have a community where; I feel a sense of belonging, I can work easily with the various sectors of the community, I can add value and give back where it is needed. And then I went home, on the 16 June, to connect with my community in crisis.
During my time in Wilderness and Knysna, I felt as if I never left, the honouring of my community in crisis gave me familiar feeling of belonging and connection, those whom I comforted, comforted me, and the love and heart connection were so real. This is my family and this is where I need to be.
So this is my plan, I will leave Cape Town in early January 2018. And make my way home. I will open a Trauma and Bereavement practice and work in both Knysna and Sedgefield and George, and link with the Phoenix Programme through Lifeline Garden Route, offering trauma counselling, counselling training, and trauma relief groups. My vision is to live simply and with integrity and harmoniously with myself, the community, and the earth. And to find my home where my heart is.
And so my Sacred Adventure continues and deepens.
Be blessed, Always.
Nidhi xx
I am trying to recreate myself right now and while talking to a friend last night I was reminded of the story from my childhood of this little train engine who had to huff and puff up a hill against all odds. I think I can I think I can and she huffed and puffed I know I can I know I can and she made it - against every odd stacked against her that zapped her steam she pushed and pushed. Well that's where I am and I have no idea how the hell I am going to to the top of the hill, let alone start moving at the bottom, but I am!
I know that I have been in this place in a few times in my life and I have conquered many challenges that often felt insurmountable, but I am in a different place in my life now, a different developmental stage and there are moments in my life that I wonder what the hell am I doing. And this is the place where I have to surrender and know that I am where I have to be right now ! and so I open my arms, with a very vulnerable heart, and I ask God for the grace to help me through where I am right at this moment. And I have no choice but to surrender and let go. And trust ! deep, deep trust that everything is as it is!
So as I am piecing the many facets of me together, I am thinking the best way to do this is to write it out - it all part of my adventure - and so here I go:
- Financially I don't know how else to do this I am 56 and am starting again - with a few assets - debt and an education and experience that is worth as much as I value it as. I never invested my money in the bank in a safe place to grow and take care of me. I invested in my education and trying to get a new life, I travelled and have had a few years of recreating myself. I may not have money invested but when I look at the growth and courage that I have gained - I am my own return. How will I look after myself when I'm old, though? That I don't know. And how will I get through now with not earning enough yet to pay my monthly bills let alone reduce and diminish my debt and honour the beautiful people who have helped me through the past few years? That I don't know but again the little train engine comes to mind and I have to keep repeating to myself I think I can I think I can I know I can I know I can. This causes me sleepless nights and I isolate myself, how do I release the shame I carry with money and restore this into a place of integrity, flow, and abundance. It there I just haven't worked out how to bring this aspect into manifestation - it's my hampster wheel this - it's a pattern of my life I keep repeating over and over again.
- Relationship - I am lonely, I have a beautiful life and so much love to share, I love being in love and making love and having a companion, it's the Sunday morning connection where there is nowhere to go or be that I miss, or at night when its time to get into bed, make love chat and connect around what happened today. It's cooking with someone creating a delicious meal together, sharing stories, a glass of wine and laughing or crying together. I miss this so deep in my soul and yet the universe has not presented me with a life partner, I am doing this alone. And I just can't accept that this is how my life is going to be. I crave this connection and so much want to meet someone to get old with. You know this is a good place to talk about my journey with my sexuality and how after so many years of not know how to define myself and not wanting to limit the fluidity within myself, I have been able to accept that fluidity and honour and celebrate it. So no I am not straight and no I am not a lesbian and no I don't even think I am bisexual - there is a term called pan-sexual - (One who can love sexuality in many forms. Like bisexuality, but even more fluid, a pansexual person can love not only the traditional male and female genders, but also transgendered, androgynous, and gender fluid people.) even that feels limiting for me as the minute something has a title it feels set in stone. I think I will just call myself "Nidhi Sexual." Anyway right at this time I would like to meet a conscious aware man who I can allow to love and adore me, as a Goddess, and where I can uninhibitedly enjoy the expressing and celebrating of my sexuality. Whether this will be the partner to get old with I am unsure, but this is where I feel I need to allow myself to explore at this time in my life.
- My body - this is where I step out from behind my shame and really honestly and openly talk about the part of myself that I hide the most. I do not move enough in fact if I am completely honest I know that this is the core of the change that I need to make and the part of myself that will shift all other challenges in my life. And yet I just don't get it right and would rather work, research, watch a series, than do what I love more than anything (besides drumming and meditation) and that is being and moving in nature, doing tai chi, swimming, connecting with the earth and being one with mother gaia. So what stops me? Why do I disassociate with my core so much? There are practical reasons, and I will not negate them - since moving to Cape Town I don't feel safe to go out into nature on my own but wonder if that is an excuse or what that fear (and its real) is really about. Am I scared to really step into the physicalness of my being and why? If I go into my core and ask these questions I know that they are centered around the abuse - from my father, from my mother and from Robert (Nicole's father) and this is where I am still trapped and broken. Those shattered parts of myself is where I have isolated, put up walls and really taken me away from my authentic sexy sensual gorgeous self. And I have a 30kg wall of protection that makes it all just so much more difficult and challenging. But this is bullshit !!!! It cannot have power over me - as I write this I realize that 30kg is nothing in the great scheme of things to overcome and let go of - so where do I begin?
I needed to share this today - I needed to wake up at 3.30 with so much angst and fear in my soul that I had to release it and have an honest conversation with myself. And what better way but to write it on a blog and share it with the world - whether someone reads this or not. I needed to say it - as this is my adventure and this is my life and this is real.
I am reawakening this Blog - why? because I just attended the most amazing writing working with an inspired writer Melinda Ferguson (https://twitter.com/melindaSMACKED?ref_src=twsrc%5Egoogle%7Ctwcamp%5Eserp%7Ctwgr%5Eauthor) and I realised that I need to write and write and inspire myself and write. When I went on my sacred adventure in 2012, writing this blog was one of the highlights of my journey.
It's 2017 and my vision for this year is CONNECTION and what a beautiful way is for me to Reawaken this blog: Nidhi's Sacred Adventure, my sacred adventure. So here I am again and I am so happy to be here again. This is a reawakening for me on very many levels - besides the blog, I am reconnecting with ME - it may sound contrived and self-indulgent, but as I unfold and allow my truth out, I know that there will be a better understanding as to how important it is for me - and you - to really connect with me (or you) - ourselves.
There is much happening in our broken and damaged world and the levels of trauma, abuse, unkindness, and evil control is on a mammoth level. The only place for us to go - or should I say - for me to go is in and reconnect with myself in a very deep, honest and authentic way.
When your favourite cup smashes in 100's of pieces, even with an expert porcelain repairer, there will be hairline cracks that never go away. These are the scars that remain with us as we walk through our life, reminders of where we have been, and a beautiful inspiration to know what each of these hairline scars contributes to our learning.
I am at a crossroads within myself at the moment in time. And this is the opportunity for me to get so incredibly real - honest - raw and primal - so that I step out of the shame and expose the authentic me. This is the time and this is the decision and choice that I am making. And I am so f....k..g scared, terrified, vulnerable. And this is my medium of the honesty and realness, just as I shared my sacred journey in 2012, my adventure continues.
This morning I read this:
Be Still in Haste - Wendell Berry
How quietly I begin again
From this moment
looking at the clock,
I start over
So much time has passed
and is equated by whatever
Split second is present
From this
Moment this Moment
is the first
At the age of 18, I met a man - he is my daughter's father - we were together for 6 years, 4 of which we were married. The levels of abuse and violation that I received from this man were horrific - and I have not spoken about it for more than 37 years - trapped in a place of victimhood, I have managed, survived, rebuilt, grown and become the exceptional woman I am now - but deep within my being is a broken soul that needs to step out from behind the shame, humiliation, resentment, anger, rage, manipulation, dishonesty, deceit and many other emotions and feelings that I have used to abuse and punish myself. Well, today - in this moment - I begin again.
At the time of my birth, I entered the world into a loveless, manipulative, violent, dishonest, shame-filled family, linked with generations of abuse and shame - into a time of where women silently fulfilled their roles, dissatisfied with their lives but staying in the place of where their mothers were.
Nidhi's adventure that continues at this moment is one of the healing and reconciliation I am having with myself. And how glad I am to have a place to hold myself accountable and have the opportunity to heal what is broken in me.
